Hey all... sorry i haven't been around. lots of junk going on. my b/f and i broke up the saturday before easter and i told my mom that i wanted to move out in to my dad's house two weeks ago. needless to say she is pissed and being bitchier than normal. my dad's lives like a time zone away so she wasn't to happy. (doesn't want to lose her babysitter, housekeeper or aka SLAVE) i have been doing so so. havent' cut for a month and a half then did a little bit on saturay( week ago)  spent the night a guyfriend's house, he cleaned me up and took care of me. i went to prom with a diff guy friend and had a great time. then i met this guy , jeremy. he is so cute. i really like him a lot. as much as i can like someone after losing my b/f of a year and four months. ( still love him and miss him a lot. grr i got 3 classes with him. see him everywhere) but jeremy is so great. my friends don't want me hanging with him though cuz he is three years older than me and a college boy. ( whatever.) why can't i just have a fling have some fun and be done with it. he is a great kisser (gots a tongue ring :)-  )  i have a lot of fun with him. in the spring i am very energtic i guess you could say . but only can not be restless with a guy ( i  have to get of the engery somehow)  yeah i am still a virgin but my great strength and will power on my part. well i found a guy this spring i get well.... release the engery with.  but my mom hates him cuz he is older. ( f*** off mom)  my life has been so crazy lately. i don't know what i am doing when. final exams are next week then i am FREE ,FREE I TELL YOU ( to release engery at parties)  with everything around me going crazy and inside my female stuff going haywire i am like a true (strawberry) blonde lately. ( completely lost lol)  to much crazyness. aaaaaccccckkkk!  well that is what is going on wiht me in general. there is more details but no time to put them in here. just a quick over veiw. well i got to go. ( call jeremy lata)  well i hope you all are doing really well . see yas all around.

love
kymmy
Queen of hearts
kac
jazzers

hey all of you who have my email... welll now you don't ... my email is geeked and i don't use it any more... i don't have a new one yet but i will let you know... welll hope you all have a good day...

hey all .... i know long time since i have written. sorry been really busy. anyways . i have another of these stupid things.adn i haven't tranversed these  entries ot it and there are more over there. so yeah you get the point.. well it is at

http://www.blurty.com/users/foreverjasmine/    


so yeah i am trying to keep both up but soon they willl both say the same thing .... but not for a couple months. so you gotta read both to know all


see ya alll soon .... you can email if you want


love
kymmy
kac
jazzers

yeah!! chicago was so much fun. everything worked out for the best. my b/f isn't really having problems any more. neither is missy. yeah!! *runs and jumps around in celebration* i also had a lot of fun even. i went shopping. and even bought stuff for myself. *gasp* the dance was a lot of fun. my b/f only had two problems and that was when the guy came out wearing a hand towel and another time when he had rolled over on his face. (i ll explaain lata) the rest of the time he was fine and those two times came and went pretty fast. the rest of the time he said he was thinking of me. i believe him when he says he only had two problems. for the way he said it and two i really want to believe it. hey i might be being really naive at the moment but i don't care. i really watn to believe him so i am going to. but i am pretty sure this is the turning point for missy and his battles. i think they will win them soon. as long as they stay strong in God. missy is wiht me on this one. i just hope it is true. i am just so happy that i thought i would update on it. sorry i havent' updated in a while (a whole month or two) but i have been busy with projects and school but also wiht the whole sexual abuse thing. yeah i am seeing a councilor now. i told my mom everything. the cops have been putting a case together and hope to get things pouring down on the guys head this month. i have missed a lot of school to go talk to the cops and all but it is all worth it. i get to protect tammy. yeah it has been hard but i am fine because i have my loveing b/f who has been there through all this ( helps me catch up on missed work too). he has been my support along wiht a few other friends i have let know. so i am fine. my life is finally looking up for a while. mom let john come over for thanksgiving dinner. which is amazing. i am going to try for christams wiht the family but i doubt it. really christmas eve. but same diff. but life is good. yeah it has its downfalls like mom being mean at times but it is starting to look up. thursday the 4th will be 11 months wiht my b/f and all. chicago was fun and all . so yeah i figuered i would update with so good news. i am so happy. i will give you all the detalils lata but i have to go finish my ss  project that is due in a couple hours, guess i will be pulling an all nighter. see ya all lata 
love

Life is so crazy!! I got proposed to yesterday( I'll explain later) and all i feel is like i am whining to everyone. like all i every do i complain. but then my friends tell me not to worry to come to them cuz i never let anything out. but i feel like such an outcast. i just want to leave them all and go back to my old life of partying and drinking and a slut life. cuz i know what willl happen in every situtation. if i say one thing i know what others will say.  now i just feel like such an outcast with such a different life at home. i feel that none of them really want anything to do with me. they are just being nice cuz " i bring life to the parties". like all i am here for is for them to cry on my shoulder and party with. i just wish i could die. that is all i want that i can have. what i really want is to be able to come home from school and spend the evening with my b/f doing hw and stuff going to sleep and then going to school. but of course i can't have that because he doesn't love me like that ( i don't know really) my mom hates him. i just want to go away from him. alll the problems would be gone. my mom and his wandering mind. and my problem of a 40 yr old trying to marry me. (GROOSSS!!) yeah my life sucks. i just wanna die and get it over with. i am not helping any one i am only making their lives worse by being around!!! i don't know any more. i knew something  big was going to happen in my life and impact me greatly and test me greatly but i didnt know it would be a marriage proposal. i am half tempted to say yea just to help my brother and get out of my house and away from my mom. yeah i would hate it cuz i am completely againest it but it does have a lot of up sides. i mean i would help my brother get away from my mom and be rich!! i hate the idea and i only love my b/f but maybe i should?!? just to help my family. he would want kids and i could never give them to him cuz i AM NOT ever sleeping with him if i did. maybe i should consider it. i dont' know some one give me feedback. well i got to go do my chem project that is due tomorrow. i willl be up really late doing it.

kab
Queen of hearts
jaz

This is something my b/f wrote in his journal and i felt horrible. i never meant to make him feel bad. i feel horrible.

Then I drove my G/F home and we talked the whole way about our gifts and their ups and downs, or in her case it's downs. well I felt bad about her confusion and my lack of being able to do anything. With all that I am shown and all that I know I could not help her. What kind of King am I. well onto the rest of the day
Then I went and read my g/f's journal entries, I only got through two but I felt so bad and it finally hit me how much I was hurting others

Welll i better explain what he means by gifts. well i sometimes know what is going to happen. i will write soon to telll you what i wrote about it but i don't have it with me . Varland is reading it.  i don't understand why he feels bad for not being able to help. he really can't, makes no sense to me. i don't want him to feel bad. he DOES NOT hurt me. the uncertainty does. how do i explain all of what i am feeling. when i don't even know. all i want is to be able to keep all the bad i see coming from happening. so much pain is coming and it is going to hurt lots of people. how can i keep the people i love from being hurt more than they already are. i hurt john only because i love him. maybe i should no longer act on that love and give him up so he can chase his dreams. whatever they are. i am so weak right now. my emotions and thoughts have shut down. kinda like when the power goes out. and everything is run on a generator. that is how i feel. i am so lost and confused of what to do for my friends and even for me. Varland prolly thinks i am the biggest loser for whining all the time to him. maybe i should just crawl in a hole forever so no one can be hurt by my love any more. i don't now. if any one has any thoughts on all of this please comment.
P.S. his nickname is the king of hearts and missy and i call him a knight. (cuz he treats me like he is one) well he will always be the king of my heart and can never let me down no matter how bad he feels he messed up. i will always stand at his side the way a knight's maiden should.  

OK I will tell you all about the battles some of my friends are having.
if you go to www.blurty.com/users/darkwater05   you can follow him and under stand better. Over the summer i found out that he was having unpure thoughts about other guys and had been for a while before i came along. i took it well ithought. well my best friend missy told me she was also fighting this battle. great right?? i just wanted to freak!! but i didn't and still am there for them. i am spending thenight at her house right now. well i started reading his online journal and realized that all i had been fearing was true. that he was struggling greatly. yeah it made me cry. at times i hate my gift of wisdom. it is a curse i hate the knowing but not being sure. well missy and i went to a prayer that is held every saturday that we go to. there i broke several promises by telling all of our friend Varland about everything i knew. i feel really bad but i had to tell him. as a strong christian and my "adopted big bro". he looks after me. i never cry and i have cryed a river tonight. i feel so bad about breaking my promises and i hatemy self for it. but it was the right thing to do. well i also felt i had to talk to my b/f john right away before i see him in 2 hrs. so missy and i went over there at midnight. we left at 1am, well i told him everything that happened. well he hates himself about the pain he caused me blah blah blah. you'll have to read it. i love him so much but just am so confused. howmany 15 girls have to deal with a b/f fighting gayness? and a best friend? and some friends that also think they are but really are not? but the worst part is i still love him and God has given me the gift of foresight and knowing. i get feelings of what will happen and know all that is going on even when i haven't talk to any of them bout what is going on in their lives. i know when tammy's mom was mean that morning or the night before with no sign. or when john's mind is wandering. God is making my gift growand helping my coupe with it but i don't want to. not with the way he is doing it. with john and gayness. i love him and am not sure if i should. i am so drained from tonight. i hold everything inside. what my friends don't know is that i am dyeing inside. john is breaking my heart with his battle but cant' help it. my heart is breaking because i know everything but he won't tellme as not to bring me more pain. but i know and the uncertainty hurts. my mom is untolerable at the moment. it is really bad. i just want to die. or crawl in a hole and cry forever. with my love i have hurt the person i love the most.(john) all my friends worry bout me and they shouldn't. i see the worry in their eyes and the looks of pity and i hate it. it hurts so bad knowing but unsure. when we all go to chichago for a band trip over thanksgiving God is going to move. In missy's room and my room (in good ways) and also in john's room (i don't know) stuff that is BIG!! john happens to be rooming with his friend izel who is gay, the guy who izel likes and the guy that is mind wanders on. pretty bad right? he is doing noblely though to protect izel but is there a little part that is doing it for selfish reasons? when we return from that trip will it be in one piece or will i leave with no heart at all but pieces of a once great love and him loving darik(his problem)? i just want him to be happy. i feel like such an A$$ for telling againest promises and for trying to have him as mine when all he wants is someone else. i want to give him up so he can be happy but as he said to tonight he does love me. i tried tonight and in the past to give him up and he won't let me and my heart really doesnt' want to . why cant we just ran away from the world together and be happy together forever? but i don't think he even loves me enough for it tolast. i love him enough for it to last forever but i really don't think he does. iam just a stupid school girl being blind sighted and hurt and crushed and used by yet another guy. well i am done complaining. hopefuly you all don't hate me now. this is kinda long i 'll go now. besides i am completely drained spirit and emotions. i have hit every emotion i can think of.please don't hate me!! and i am so sorry for living.

here is a poem i wrote months ago. ill write what ican remember of it.