OK I will tell you all about the battles some of my friends are having.
if you go to www.blurty.com/users/darkwater05   you can follow him and under stand better. Over the summer i found out that he was having unpure thoughts about other guys and had been for a while before i came along. i took it well ithought. well my best friend missy told me she was also fighting this battle. great right?? i just wanted to freak!! but i didn't and still am there for them. i am spending thenight at her house right now. well i started reading his online journal and realized that all i had been fearing was true. that he was struggling greatly. yeah it made me cry. at times i hate my gift of wisdom. it is a curse i hate the knowing but not being sure. well missy and i went to a prayer that is held every saturday that we go to. there i broke several promises by telling all of our friend Varland about everything i knew. i feel really bad but i had to tell him. as a strong christian and my "adopted big bro". he looks after me. i never cry and i have cryed a river tonight. i feel so bad about breaking my promises and i hatemy self for it. but it was the right thing to do. well i also felt i had to talk to my b/f john right away before i see him in 2 hrs. so missy and i went over there at midnight. we left at 1am, well i told him everything that happened. well he hates himself about the pain he caused me blah blah blah. you'll have to read it. i love him so much but just am so confused. howmany 15 girls have to deal with a b/f fighting gayness? and a best friend? and some friends that also think they are but really are not? but the worst part is i still love him and God has given me the gift of foresight and knowing. i get feelings of what will happen and know all that is going on even when i haven't talk to any of them bout what is going on in their lives. i know when tammy's mom was mean that morning or the night before with no sign. or when john's mind is wandering. God is making my gift growand helping my coupe with it but i don't want to. not with the way he is doing it. with john and gayness. i love him and am not sure if i should. i am so drained from tonight. i hold everything inside. what my friends don't know is that i am dyeing inside. john is breaking my heart with his battle but cant' help it. my heart is breaking because i know everything but he won't tellme as not to bring me more pain. but i know and the uncertainty hurts. my mom is untolerable at the moment. it is really bad. i just want to die. or crawl in a hole and cry forever. with my love i have hurt the person i love the most.(john) all my friends worry bout me and they shouldn't. i see the worry in their eyes and the looks of pity and i hate it. it hurts so bad knowing but unsure. when we all go to chichago for a band trip over thanksgiving God is going to move. In missy's room and my room (in good ways) and also in john's room (i don't know) stuff that is BIG!! john happens to be rooming with his friend izel who is gay, the guy who izel likes and the guy that is mind wanders on. pretty bad right? he is doing noblely though to protect izel but is there a little part that is doing it for selfish reasons? when we return from that trip will it be in one piece or will i leave with no heart at all but pieces of a once great love and him loving darik(his problem)? i just want him to be happy. i feel like such an A$$ for telling againest promises and for trying to have him as mine when all he wants is someone else. i want to give him up so he can be happy but as he said to tonight he does love me. i tried tonight and in the past to give him up and he won't let me and my heart really doesnt' want to . why cant we just ran away from the world together and be happy together forever? but i don't think he even loves me enough for it tolast. i love him enough for it to last forever but i really don't think he does. iam just a stupid school girl being blind sighted and hurt and crushed and used by yet another guy. well i am done complaining. hopefuly you all don't hate me now. this is kinda long i 'll go now. besides i am completely drained spirit and emotions. i have hit every emotion i can think of.please don't hate me!! and i am so sorry for living.

here is a poem i wrote months ago. ill write what ican remember of it.