Then I drove my G/F home and we talked the whole way about our gifts and their ups and downs, or in her case it's downs. well I felt bad about her confusion and my lack of being able to do anything. With all that I am shown and all that I know I could not help her. What kind of King am I. well onto the rest of the day
Then I went and read my g/f's journal entries, I only got through two but I felt so bad and it finally hit me how much I was hurting others
Welll i better explain what he means by gifts. well i sometimes know what is going to happen. i will write soon to telll you what i wrote about it but i don't have it with me . Varland is reading it. i don't understand why he feels bad for not being able to help. he really can't, makes no sense to me. i don't want him to feel bad. he DOES NOT hurt me. the uncertainty does. how do i explain all of what i am feeling. when i don't even know. all i want is to be able to keep all the bad i see coming from happening. so much pain is coming and it is going to hurt lots of people. how can i keep the people i love from being hurt more than they already are. i hurt john only because i love him. maybe i should no longer act on that love and give him up so he can chase his dreams. whatever they are. i am so weak right now. my emotions and thoughts have shut down. kinda like when the power goes out. and everything is run on a generator. that is how i feel. i am so lost and confused of what to do for my friends and even for me. Varland prolly thinks i am the biggest loser for whining all the time to him. maybe i should just crawl in a hole forever so no one can be hurt by my love any more. i don't now. if any one has any thoughts on all of this please comment.
P.S. his nickname is the king of hearts and missy and i call him a knight. (cuz he treats me like he is one) well he will always be the king of my heart and can never let me down no matter how bad he feels he messed up. i will always stand at his side the way a knight's maiden should.