Life is so crazy!! I got proposed to yesterday( I'll explain later) and all i feel is like i am whining to everyone. like all i every do i complain. but then my friends tell me not to worry to come to them cuz i never let anything out. but i feel like such an outcast. i just want to leave them all and go back to my old life of partying and drinking and a slut life. cuz i know what willl happen in every situtation. if i say one thing i know what others will say.  now i just feel like such an outcast with such a different life at home. i feel that none of them really want anything to do with me. they are just being nice cuz " i bring life to the parties". like all i am here for is for them to cry on my shoulder and party with. i just wish i could die. that is all i want that i can have. what i really want is to be able to come home from school and spend the evening with my b/f doing hw and stuff going to sleep and then going to school. but of course i can't have that because he doesn't love me like that ( i don't know really) my mom hates him. i just want to go away from him. alll the problems would be gone. my mom and his wandering mind. and my problem of a 40 yr old trying to marry me. (GROOSSS!!) yeah my life sucks. i just wanna die and get it over with. i am not helping any one i am only making their lives worse by being around!!! i don't know any more. i knew something  big was going to happen in my life and impact me greatly and test me greatly but i didnt know it would be a marriage proposal. i am half tempted to say yea just to help my brother and get out of my house and away from my mom. yeah i would hate it cuz i am completely againest it but it does have a lot of up sides. i mean i would help my brother get away from my mom and be rich!! i hate the idea and i only love my b/f but maybe i should?!? just to help my family. he would want kids and i could never give them to him cuz i AM NOT ever sleeping with him if i did. maybe i should consider it. i dont' know some one give me feedback. well i got to go do my chem project that is due tomorrow. i willl be up really late doing it.

kab
Queen of hearts
jaz