Hey all! I know i haven't written for a while. i haven't been feeling good. well i really miss vern and all. mom and i have been fighting alot lately and it really bites cuz i then miss vern more since he isn't here to talk to bout mom. :( he was like my best friend and all. i could tell him like everything and now he is gone. my relantionship with my boyfriend is once again a problem. only different than the past problems. i love him quite a lot no problem... it is just i don't know... stupidness of me spiraling down again thinking that he doesn't really love me and all that junk. I know he says he loves me and blah blah blah but it isn't the same as the months before the summer. Now it just seems like he doesn't want to even hang out with me. I know i have to stop being so scared all the time. and so protective. i guess lately i have been kinda well bitchy and self centered and all. maybe it isn't him that has changed so much away from "us" maybe it is me. i don't know. all i know is that lately i have been spiralling down back into my depresion. i wanted to kill my self so bad last week but i knew i couldn't i have to stay here i wouldn't be able to ever do it anyways other than 'oding'. i felt like doing that so bad the last two nights even after yesterday when i was so spirtally with God! i had the worst headache and didn't take stuff for it cuz i was scared i wouldn't be able to control my self. the only thing that kept me going the last couple weeks was my b/f and some close friends ( they didn't even know i was down) i am really sorry to all who talk with me and try to help me. you really shouldn't. i will be fine

yesterday i talked infront of the whole ministry team about how i was doing and told all. i now feel stupid for telling them but am glad i did. Caleb is such a sweetheart. he came over after prep time and gave me a great big hug. it helped a lot to hear him say that in front of everybody while i was talking he wanted to come give me a hug. he just hugged me for a while and then made me laugh. It helped me so much. Some of the girls gave me a lot of hugs also. Sara opened a little more to me. ( For those who don't know sara she is tuba in my band and under rank of my b/f) Today Varland joked with me more than normal and all. it helps so much reconfirming that there are people out there to talk to. i know it will sound repetive but man did it hurt when my b/f (he is on mt) didn't come up and give me a hug. he like avoided me the whole time. not one hug or hi and then on laughing and joking with ronnie. but hey i understand...or at least i am suppose to and all...right??

i was talking to ash h on the way there and all and john and made her sad within the last few days. and i told her not to fret about it. ALL guys can be jerks at times. yes even my b/f can be.  well i will go into that another time. ok well i am going to go. i am going to write another in bout 3 secs entirely on one subect and then if i have time another on another subject. i am so sick of keeping so many different paths of my life going at the same time. well i am done ranting now. see ya all lata. VALE!!
love
kab